A list of the lessons learned by one Miss Tanysia over two weeks of Christmas vacation;
1. Sleep is for suckers.
2. Chaw should not be left tucked into your drunken lip during a twenty minute car ride, especially without a spittoon and after having told the driver that you had spit it out already.
3. One of the better ways to measure beer is in yards.
4. 3 o’clock in the morning is the best time for a full-fledged, bacon and cheese-eggs sort of breakfast.
5. The many layers your ass is covered in during skiing tend to become a hassle after eight cups of coffee and two glasses of beer.
6. Christmas shopping is best done the day before, with all the malls closing in half an hour and no idea what to get for the four relatives that have blessed you with their presence this year.
7. Finding that you are in your sweat pants and not your pyjamas Christmas morning and wondering how you even ended up in bed is the inevitable result of seven bottles of wine and your father’s insistence that you simply must try his cognac.
8. There is a limit to how much food you can consume in one sitting... that limit, however, has yet to be found.
9. You really do get more attention when you are dressed in only half a shirt.
10. Eating strangers’ pizza is perfectly acceptable when stumbling around outside the bar and calling for taxis at two o’clock in the morning.
11. While common belief states that following three men home alone will ultimately lead to death, experience states that you will only be subjected to two hours of them prancing around in Hot Gossip clothing… although seeing that much concentrated metrosexuality could kill you.
12. Male strippers are unfortunately small in the pants; even when your extreme sexiness has them standing at full attention.
13. Your parents will not take you skiing when you called them at five o’clock that morning to let you in the house.
14. Mature individuals hate when vast quantities of liquor are consumed on the train.
1. Sleep is for suckers.
2. Chaw should not be left tucked into your drunken lip during a twenty minute car ride, especially without a spittoon and after having told the driver that you had spit it out already.
3. One of the better ways to measure beer is in yards.
4. 3 o’clock in the morning is the best time for a full-fledged, bacon and cheese-eggs sort of breakfast.
5. The many layers your ass is covered in during skiing tend to become a hassle after eight cups of coffee and two glasses of beer.
6. Christmas shopping is best done the day before, with all the malls closing in half an hour and no idea what to get for the four relatives that have blessed you with their presence this year.
7. Finding that you are in your sweat pants and not your pyjamas Christmas morning and wondering how you even ended up in bed is the inevitable result of seven bottles of wine and your father’s insistence that you simply must try his cognac.
8. There is a limit to how much food you can consume in one sitting... that limit, however, has yet to be found.
9. You really do get more attention when you are dressed in only half a shirt.
10. Eating strangers’ pizza is perfectly acceptable when stumbling around outside the bar and calling for taxis at two o’clock in the morning.
11. While common belief states that following three men home alone will ultimately lead to death, experience states that you will only be subjected to two hours of them prancing around in Hot Gossip clothing… although seeing that much concentrated metrosexuality could kill you.
12. Male strippers are unfortunately small in the pants; even when your extreme sexiness has them standing at full attention.
13. Your parents will not take you skiing when you called them at five o’clock that morning to let you in the house.
14. Mature individuals hate when vast quantities of liquor are consumed on the train.
15. Do not agree to go to a party in Bowness with one of your old friends if you plan on being at home anytime before sunrise.
16. The people who work 24 hour convenience stores never fail to be talking at high speeds on their cell phones, but to whom are they talking to at three o’clock in the morning? The only other people who aren’t sleeping or incoherent: convenience store employees.
17. Remember to apologize profusely if someone who carries a knife thinks you insulted their family (or, better yet, their ability to take care of their family) sometime last spring.
18. The only way to fully appreciate a drug house is to make yourself comfortable on the couches and watch ShowCase grade porn for four hours.
19. The bottle depot is a worse place to be when the alcohol is not sitting well in your blood the next day than a morgue after a two week power outage.
20. Loonies stick to strippers and, oddly enough, their twats too.
21. Upon going to gay dance clubs, the constant disappointment of seeing hot men and then realizing they aren’t interested can get depressing; it is best to go armed and intoxicated.
22. It is advised that if you are going to make fun of people in the gondola, on the slopes, and on the chairlift, you do so with friends around as it does not make you any new ones.
23. When you are at the liquor store and joke with the cashier about the amount you are buying, have someone around later who will ensure that you actually were kidding when you said it was all for you.
24. Next time you have an old friend start jumping, screaming and yelling about how much she misses you- try to remember her name.
25. Hot tubs and New Year’s Eve do not ever go well together.
26. When you are too drunk to smoke, you are too drunk. Period.
27. New Year’s Day is decidedly the worst day in any living memory; the time has come to replace the aforementioned day with another night, designed primarily for sleeping.
28. You look like an idiot when you accidentally die your thumbs the same colour as your hair.
29. The guards at airport security giggle when they find three bottle openers upon searching your purse, almost as if it isn’t something they see very often.
30. The ability to keep yourself entertained by finding patterns in the carpet is no longer a talent to be laughed at; it becomes a necessity when your plane is three hours late.
The University shall now be known for detoxifying one Miss Tanysia. Who would have thought?
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