As a burgeoning Drunk, and one that is safely proud of it, I am often afflicted by the questioning looks and disapproving noises of those who cannot seem to grasp the concept of why one would consume alcohol. It is these very people, however, who have inspired the creation of a comprehensive study behind the reasons as to why those of us who do enjoy drinking drink. The following research was compiled with the aid of several friends one evening, who had agreed to keep me company while I took on the task of creating the report. While the original point of the study may have been to mark a new idea with each drink downed, for the sake of scientific accuracy, I will admit that the aforementioned format was not followed and that, rather, whatever came to mind followed to paper (otherwise known as “Word”).
Notice first the coherent sentences which, although they may offer an unfortunate peek into the insightful nature of our conversations, are at least spelt correctly.
1. Fuck Brain Cells
2. Achieving your grey wings; or chicken wings, whatever floats your boat.
3. Everybody’s down for a little vag. tonight
4. For the darkness!
5. Evenings of debauchery that begin with the Captain and end in the wrong end of town
6. Making friends with the homeless men who hide your alcohol and never getting it back
7. Being that “regular” at most bar’s cheapest nights.
While spelling and coherency are still intact, it is the punctuation of my erratic, repeated and all around unintelligent ideas that is no longer a necessity, but instead, a suggestion.
8. Everybody’s down for a little vag tonight!
9. Discovering the next morning that youre 200$ short of what you thought you had started with
10. Uncovering the fact that being very “uncovered” and sprawled on the floor is actually a lot more entertaining than youre parents had told you it would be
And finally, the very first admission of superiority!
11. Improvement of the awesomeness as the evening evolves
12. Being cheap and/or wishing you were so as to help your wallet somewhat
13. Waking up the next morning in the ER and wondering why youre parents look right pissed at you… in that “wrong life choices” sort of way
14. Enjoying your evening to the nth degree… the degree which means that your brain cells are much less developed than youre collegues
Here, the switch to believing that I am the center of the known universe is completed as, despite having admitted to conceit previously, sentences are no longer written in a contemplative “one” or “you” format but as the royal “we”- generally referring to myself. The very first signs of the slow and painful death of lucidity are also now visible.
15. Wondering if we can still get to the liquor store at two oclock in the morning
16. The consistently failed attempts at counting our number drinks
17. The realization that we have no idea what our limits are as we continue to hit the short (“shorts”/ “shots”; same thing.)
18. Realizing that pants are for suckers!
19. For achieving that classic drunk statement of “I like you guys”
20. Discovering that sexual limitations are truly only guidelines and that, in all honesty, everything goes
21. realizing that as a student, we spend much more money on alcohol than on necessities and that its well worth the expenditure
22. Understanding that work is one of those places where you deal with your hangovers
Not only are spelling and rational now a thing of the past, but any sort of decency as well; especially pertaining to very deep and complex philosophical issues.
23. Discovering that we h=are awesome!
24. Understaiding that sex s one of those things that comes with the title of being a “drunk”
25. Realizing, that as a creative writer, I have liscence to misspell EVERYTHBING
26. Drinking with natives leads to some exam FAILURE
27. Literally capturing an evening in a description of what happens when one sets out to describe an evening of drnkeness
28. Never mind trying to understand how retarded [people see the world, we know
29. Realizing that youre not quite an alcoholic, but rather a drunk, vas they are two truly spereate states of being (clearly, my attempt at vaguely intellectual vocabulary is a failure)
30. Coming to theconclusion that every and all activities are much, much more entertaining when a large amount of alcohol is involved
31. You aspire to reducing your station in life
32. cheers to fucking anything\
33. so long as somebody is retarded about me being ridiculous, than I am having fun
34. being drun k means you wale up and don’t understand a thing about the logistical discussions you had the night before
35. discoerving that your parents afre Pying more than thy dhsould for your eduion nd ger ersl drunkening
36. e
The above was not only an exposé of the very best reasons to drink, but an exercise in self-restraint; allowing so many glaring faults and short comings to remain in written material (particularly in that penned by yours truly) was quite trying. However, for the sake of science and the distribution of important research, I have stepped up and fulfilled my obligations to my peers. Cheers.
Notice first the coherent sentences which, although they may offer an unfortunate peek into the insightful nature of our conversations, are at least spelt correctly.
1. Fuck Brain Cells
2. Achieving your grey wings; or chicken wings, whatever floats your boat.
3. Everybody’s down for a little vag. tonight
4. For the darkness!
5. Evenings of debauchery that begin with the Captain and end in the wrong end of town
6. Making friends with the homeless men who hide your alcohol and never getting it back
7. Being that “regular” at most bar’s cheapest nights.
While spelling and coherency are still intact, it is the punctuation of my erratic, repeated and all around unintelligent ideas that is no longer a necessity, but instead, a suggestion.
8. Everybody’s down for a little vag tonight!
9. Discovering the next morning that youre 200$ short of what you thought you had started with
10. Uncovering the fact that being very “uncovered” and sprawled on the floor is actually a lot more entertaining than youre parents had told you it would be
And finally, the very first admission of superiority!
11. Improvement of the awesomeness as the evening evolves
12. Being cheap and/or wishing you were so as to help your wallet somewhat
13. Waking up the next morning in the ER and wondering why youre parents look right pissed at you… in that “wrong life choices” sort of way
14. Enjoying your evening to the nth degree… the degree which means that your brain cells are much less developed than youre collegues
Here, the switch to believing that I am the center of the known universe is completed as, despite having admitted to conceit previously, sentences are no longer written in a contemplative “one” or “you” format but as the royal “we”- generally referring to myself. The very first signs of the slow and painful death of lucidity are also now visible.
15. Wondering if we can still get to the liquor store at two oclock in the morning
16. The consistently failed attempts at counting our number drinks
17. The realization that we have no idea what our limits are as we continue to hit the short (“shorts”/ “shots”; same thing.)
18. Realizing that pants are for suckers!
19. For achieving that classic drunk statement of “I like you guys”
20. Discovering that sexual limitations are truly only guidelines and that, in all honesty, everything goes
21. realizing that as a student, we spend much more money on alcohol than on necessities and that its well worth the expenditure
22. Understanding that work is one of those places where you deal with your hangovers
Not only are spelling and rational now a thing of the past, but any sort of decency as well; especially pertaining to very deep and complex philosophical issues.
23. Discovering that we h=are awesome!
24. Understaiding that sex s one of those things that comes with the title of being a “drunk”
25. Realizing, that as a creative writer, I have liscence to misspell EVERYTHBING
26. Drinking with natives leads to some exam FAILURE
27. Literally capturing an evening in a description of what happens when one sets out to describe an evening of drnkeness
28. Never mind trying to understand how retarded [people see the world, we know
29. Realizing that youre not quite an alcoholic, but rather a drunk, vas they are two truly spereate states of being (clearly, my attempt at vaguely intellectual vocabulary is a failure)
30. Coming to theconclusion that every and all activities are much, much more entertaining when a large amount of alcohol is involved
31. You aspire to reducing your station in life
32. cheers to fucking anything\
33. so long as somebody is retarded about me being ridiculous, than I am having fun
34. being drun k means you wale up and don’t understand a thing about the logistical discussions you had the night before
35. discoerving that your parents afre Pying more than thy dhsould for your eduion nd ger ersl drunkening
36. e
The above was not only an exposé of the very best reasons to drink, but an exercise in self-restraint; allowing so many glaring faults and short comings to remain in written material (particularly in that penned by yours truly) was quite trying. However, for the sake of science and the distribution of important research, I have stepped up and fulfilled my obligations to my peers. Cheers.
