How to Get Rid of Writer's Block

And Other Such Useful Things for Useless Careers

- While spending time in polite company, the moment something remotely interesting and/or obscene is said (pay attention primarily to your own words as they are liable to be the most inventive), jump up, scream “Ah-ha!” and begin scrambling for a writing tool and surface, preferably while dropping your cigarette in someone’s lap to accentuate the drama. The opposite is true while in the presence of impolite company; here, it is recommended that the use of large words such as “exceptional ingenuity” and “incomparable pretentiousness” are frequent, particularly when in reference to your own work, so as to evoke varying theatrical responses.

- It is, in all actuality, exponentially more constructive to the creative brain to continuously envision the final goal as an acclaimed writer (the type of desired praise is entirely up to you) than it is to indulge academics and “professionals” by repeating mundane writing exercises.

- When vacationing in exotic countries, be sure to avoid telling locals how uninspiring their scenery, culture and language truly is; instead, try focusing on original ways to critically dissect everyday objects and rituals, such as changing your underwear or the Q-tip you have failed to discard over the last month.

- While attempting to write in public locations (such as the favourite coffee shop or park bench) and finding yourself stuck in an especially frustrating block, a solid method of forming unique ideas, and particularly inventive dialogue, is to leap to your feet and throw your books at passing strangers, cursing in all of your favourite languages.

- Although it may be true that one of the best creative wells for authors can come from what you know, oft times the subject matter at hand can become highly emotional and too unprecedented to be comfortable; this is best ignored in favour of writing about what we know as a collective of human beings- the colour of love when in proximity to roses, for example.

- If you find yourself to be completely lost for both words and motivation, you can always exchange your beret for blue hair dye and take Modern Art to the next level; begin writing pieces entitled Twenty One Questions with the sole sentence being “Okay, go.”

- After having seized upon a new idea only to discover that a substantial amount of research and leg work is required, the recommended course of action is to relinquish the material to journalists and rather to try for an essay based principally on your own insightful musings.

- When speaking with those who are more talented than you (and who are, coincidentally, better “acquainted” with critics and professors alike), be sure to apologize profusely after having accidentally spilt your coffee down their shirt while trading your respective notebooks of ideas. The latter is also an excellent source for future brainstorming sessions.

- Upon achieving your desired level of fame and/or infamy, be sure to establish and maintain an air of pompousness, to gaze thoughtfully into the distance for all portraits and, above all, to regularly interrupt conversations by mentioning stories or articles that you have written about the subject at hand.