Oh, the bus stop theme. It was all part of content creation for a class of mine, so bear with it. I swear no more.
1. Smoking. Not to offend the millions who campaign against smoking, but honestly, there is rarely a better feeling than sticking it to the man by smoking not near or around the bus stop, but directly within the prescribed five meter non-smoking radius. And, of course, there’s the added benefit of successfully killing time.
2. Drinking. Specifically, Underage-Drinking. Remember those days? The ones where “going out” meant sitting at a bus stop with ten friends on your way to a “house party” in someone’s basement and chugging a mickey of cheap vodka? Yeah. Now tell me all those times that you had to hold a friend’s hair back as she puked off the side of the bench didn’t make you feel like a bad ass mo-fo. Thought so.
3. Pot. It may just be the social nature of the drug, or that the smell of marijuana overrides the general foot-like stench of the bus your about to embark, but pot takes the cake (mmm… cake) when it comes to bus stop drugs. Trust me, serious considerations were put into a variety of other illicit substances – but, really, no one wants to snort lines off a bus bench.
4. Graffiti. It’s almost like bus stops were designed to be doodled on. And scratched into, and painted on. They’re the ultimate urban poster board of Sally + Joe 4Evas, cartoon faces, and local trademark tags; not to mention an excellent source of time killing literature.
5. General Destruction. The bus stop offers all sorts opportunities to take part in some good old fashioned wreckin’ stuff and, by wreckin’ public stuff, you get to really partake in some serious illegal activities. Go for the gold and send a bat through the glass, bring a screwdriver and dismantle the “bus stop” sign, bring spray paint and take graffiti to the next level and just paint the whole, bloody stop.
6. Sex. There’s a bench, shelter from the elements and – uhh – easy access. And that’s without the thrill of “riding the bus” in public.
7. Prostitution. None of the previous options quite illegal enough for you? Then take it all the way and “hang out” at the bus stop – auspiciously wearing thigh-high leather boots and short shorts that allow for under-ass – regardless of whether you’re male or female. Thanks to the high traffic nature of a bus stop, you’re bound to develop a fast-paced, publicly illegal business in no time.
Showing posts with label On Numerics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label On Numerics. Show all posts
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Monday, 26 April 2010
Reasons I could be a Lesbian
Reasons I could be a Lesbian:
1. Scarlett Johansson, Sandra Bullock and Jessica Alba
2. Between the rugby, kick boxing and fine arts communities, I would have plenty to choose from.
3. Diagrams and explanations of the female anatomy would no longer be necessary.
4. No longer would I have to fear “The Dutch Oven.”
5. My sandwiches would be made and brought to me.
6. The house would be clean and tidy by the time I got back from work.
7. Chocolate, Advil, and backrubs around “that time of the month” would be available without explanation.
8. Good, old fashioned tits and ass.
Reasons I could never be a Lesbian:
1. Men.
1. Scarlett Johansson, Sandra Bullock and Jessica Alba
2. Between the rugby, kick boxing and fine arts communities, I would have plenty to choose from.
3. Diagrams and explanations of the female anatomy would no longer be necessary.
4. No longer would I have to fear “The Dutch Oven.”
5. My sandwiches would be made and brought to me.
6. The house would be clean and tidy by the time I got back from work.
7. Chocolate, Advil, and backrubs around “that time of the month” would be available without explanation.
8. Good, old fashioned tits and ass.
Reasons I could never be a Lesbian:
1. Men.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Research
“Umm… What is a drinking game. Jeez, that’s a hard question. It’s where you play a game and, say, if you get something wrong you have to drink. And it’s kind of a social thing where everyone gets together and it makes it more interesting, I guess.”
“I probably have a lot more funny things to say when I’ve been drinking, ’cause now I’m sober.”
“A way to pass time while – well, it’s like a catalyst, enhancing the speed at which you consume liquids in good company.”
“They’re a lot of fun if people are not used to each other or it seems a little awkward. It’s something else to focus on, as opposed to staring awkwardly, sitting in a circle, slowly sipping on your drink.”
“Awkward situations: that’s the best time to drink. You walk in, you don’t know anyone, so you start one and suddenly you make friends. Woo!”
“I hate people. Which is why I dislike drinking games; I don’t like team things, group things. But I guess every once in a while if I’m with a group of people and I like them ... but I think they mostly happen ’cause you’re with people you don’t know and you don’t really want to talk to them, but you want to get drunk with them and then people get drunk and are like ‘you’re my best friend, this is awesome.’”
“Drinking and fun go hand in hand.”
“It’s also like stepping it up a notch. Like when we did [Egg]Nog-Pong; it wasn’t necessary but you know it was awesome.”
“Oh I really like Waterfall. Sociables. It’s got a load of different names, I think it’s pretty well known ’cause you get to watch other people do stupid shit. You have a bunch of different rules and you can be totally strategic. Like ‘Whenever Roxanne takes a drink, Abbey takes two!’ and shit.”
“You learn a lot; mostly super-weird secrets about people. Like, it only gets fun when you start asking awkward questions.”
“I like Three Man, ’cause it’s simple. Nobody has to pretend they’re mooses or anything, like Sociables. I don’t know why: ‘Do an accent, ladies drink or guys drink!’ I just don’t really like them in general, but if they’re simple I don’t have to do anything stupid.”
“How much do you love Flip Cup? And Beer Pong! I like the team thing. Those things are extra fun.”
“’Cause you get to do something physical. It’s like ping pong, and ping pong is played officially, in the Olympics. So, really, it’s like I’m drinking beer for the Olympics.”
“What else would I do, sit outside and have a smoke by myself? …I guess so. Well why don’t we play monopoly and I’ll just drink and we can call it a drinking game. I think every game is meant to be drunk with; everybody gets their competitive side out and then we find out who the competitive asshole is.”
“I play ‘cause I don’t like the taste of alcohol.”
“I think a lot of them are hype things. Apparently a lot of people play them ’cause it’s like ‘yah! Let’s drink, let’s do something stupid, let’s go out and drink!’ You wouldn’t necessarily if you’re with a couple of friends with a glass of wine. But I think it’s a hype thing mostly.”
“There’s a lot more peer pressure, so you get a lot more drunk.”
“By the time you get to the end of the game, you’re pretty messed. They usually end in somebody being ill or something like that. Then usually it’s like well “my friend” did this but, you know.”
“One time, my friend got naked and pole danced for us.”
“I’ll never do that ever again.”
“They’re not for kids or injured people. Ridiculously messed up? Once, this buddy face planted while trying to do the worm. He laid there on his face, moaning.”
“It’s fun, but it’s probably not very appropriate.”
“No, dude, definitely no. I’ve seen way too many games gone bad. Shit always hits the fan, things go down, people start crying. Do I not condone it? … I like seeing people cry.”
“I don’t see why they’re bad, it’s a social thing. It’s also sexual.”
“I never really liked it ’cause, ah… it was all about getting drunk, but I guess that’s the point, so I don’t really know what to say. I’m just a cynical bitch. I can admit that.”
“…yeah I like drinking games. It’s big, it’s universal – ’cept for people who don’t drink.”
“Well, exactly.”
“I probably have a lot more funny things to say when I’ve been drinking, ’cause now I’m sober.”
“A way to pass time while – well, it’s like a catalyst, enhancing the speed at which you consume liquids in good company.”
“They’re a lot of fun if people are not used to each other or it seems a little awkward. It’s something else to focus on, as opposed to staring awkwardly, sitting in a circle, slowly sipping on your drink.”
“Awkward situations: that’s the best time to drink. You walk in, you don’t know anyone, so you start one and suddenly you make friends. Woo!”
“I hate people. Which is why I dislike drinking games; I don’t like team things, group things. But I guess every once in a while if I’m with a group of people and I like them ... but I think they mostly happen ’cause you’re with people you don’t know and you don’t really want to talk to them, but you want to get drunk with them and then people get drunk and are like ‘you’re my best friend, this is awesome.’”
“Drinking and fun go hand in hand.”
“It’s also like stepping it up a notch. Like when we did [Egg]Nog-Pong; it wasn’t necessary but you know it was awesome.”
“Oh I really like Waterfall. Sociables. It’s got a load of different names, I think it’s pretty well known ’cause you get to watch other people do stupid shit. You have a bunch of different rules and you can be totally strategic. Like ‘Whenever Roxanne takes a drink, Abbey takes two!’ and shit.”
“You learn a lot; mostly super-weird secrets about people. Like, it only gets fun when you start asking awkward questions.”
“I like Three Man, ’cause it’s simple. Nobody has to pretend they’re mooses or anything, like Sociables. I don’t know why: ‘Do an accent, ladies drink or guys drink!’ I just don’t really like them in general, but if they’re simple I don’t have to do anything stupid.”
“How much do you love Flip Cup? And Beer Pong! I like the team thing. Those things are extra fun.”
“’Cause you get to do something physical. It’s like ping pong, and ping pong is played officially, in the Olympics. So, really, it’s like I’m drinking beer for the Olympics.”
“What else would I do, sit outside and have a smoke by myself? …I guess so. Well why don’t we play monopoly and I’ll just drink and we can call it a drinking game. I think every game is meant to be drunk with; everybody gets their competitive side out and then we find out who the competitive asshole is.”
“I play ‘cause I don’t like the taste of alcohol.”
“I think a lot of them are hype things. Apparently a lot of people play them ’cause it’s like ‘yah! Let’s drink, let’s do something stupid, let’s go out and drink!’ You wouldn’t necessarily if you’re with a couple of friends with a glass of wine. But I think it’s a hype thing mostly.”
“There’s a lot more peer pressure, so you get a lot more drunk.”
“By the time you get to the end of the game, you’re pretty messed. They usually end in somebody being ill or something like that. Then usually it’s like well “my friend” did this but, you know.”
“One time, my friend got naked and pole danced for us.”
“I’ll never do that ever again.”
“They’re not for kids or injured people. Ridiculously messed up? Once, this buddy face planted while trying to do the worm. He laid there on his face, moaning.”
“It’s fun, but it’s probably not very appropriate.”
“No, dude, definitely no. I’ve seen way too many games gone bad. Shit always hits the fan, things go down, people start crying. Do I not condone it? … I like seeing people cry.”
“I don’t see why they’re bad, it’s a social thing. It’s also sexual.”
“I never really liked it ’cause, ah… it was all about getting drunk, but I guess that’s the point, so I don’t really know what to say. I’m just a cynical bitch. I can admit that.”
“…yeah I like drinking games. It’s big, it’s universal – ’cept for people who don’t drink.”
“Well, exactly.”
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Ten Reasons to Date a Writer
Because this has been done for every sport known to man and I have a serious case of writer's block.
1. We’re always looking for ways to make things more interesting.
2. We can spend weeks figuring out the best way to get things started.
3. We know how to evoke a response.
4. We devote hours to working on just one piece.
5. Once we’re focused we won’t let something drop.
6. We always end things with a bang.
7. We will keep reworking things until we get them just right.
8. We always go at something from all angles.
9. We’re not afraid to try something new for a better reaction.
10. We’re not afraid to shock and appal
1. We’re always looking for ways to make things more interesting.
2. We can spend weeks figuring out the best way to get things started.
3. We know how to evoke a response.
4. We devote hours to working on just one piece.
5. Once we’re focused we won’t let something drop.
6. We always end things with a bang.
7. We will keep reworking things until we get them just right.
8. We always go at something from all angles.
9. We’re not afraid to try something new for a better reaction.
10. We’re not afraid to shock and appal
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Examining Online Literary Absences
Subject: Tanysia
Occupation: “Student” a.k.a. non-existant
Height: 179 cm
Weight: Female
19:09 – Subject enters seating area, carrying laptop by top of screen. Chooses deteriorated couch and places laptop on lap.
19:10 – Subject moves laptop to couch and leaves to kitchen area. Email visible on screen.
19:13 – Subject returns with assorted rice crackers and tomatoes. Replaces laptop on lap.
19:21 – Subject finishes rice crackers, removes laptop and returns to kitchen with dish. Blank text document visible on screen.
19: 23 – Subject returns with glass red wine. Replaces laptop on lap and begins typing. Subject pauses, stares out front window, takes a sip and continues typing; this time slower. This continues for 37 minutes.
20:00 – Subject’s glass is now empty. Subject places laptop on coffee table in center of seating area and leaves to kitchen area. 8 lines are visible on screen.
20:06 – Subject returns to laptop with glass in hand. Bends over to tap keyboard before leaving to stand next to front window. “Facebook” is visible on screen.
20:22 – Subject has now spent 16 minutes staring out window and glass is now empty. Subject leaves to kitchen area and returns with opened bottle of red wine. Fills glass, sits and replaces laptop on lap.
20:25 – Subject reads page aloud several times.
20:26 – Subject deletes several lines of text.
20:34 – Subject has now been staring at screen for 8 minutes and glass is now empty. Refills glass.
20:36 – Subject removes laptop to coffee table and leaves to kitchen area. Media player is now visible on screen.
20:39 – Subject returns with ham slices and lies on same couch. Program is now playing.
22:56 – Subject officially* concludes no more work will be done.
*Note: “officially” refers to the subject’s own verbal confirmation of the obvious.
Occupation: “Student” a.k.a. non-existant
Height: 179 cm
Weight: Female
19:09 – Subject enters seating area, carrying laptop by top of screen. Chooses deteriorated couch and places laptop on lap.
19:10 – Subject moves laptop to couch and leaves to kitchen area. Email visible on screen.
19:13 – Subject returns with assorted rice crackers and tomatoes. Replaces laptop on lap.
19:21 – Subject finishes rice crackers, removes laptop and returns to kitchen with dish. Blank text document visible on screen.
19: 23 – Subject returns with glass red wine. Replaces laptop on lap and begins typing. Subject pauses, stares out front window, takes a sip and continues typing; this time slower. This continues for 37 minutes.
20:00 – Subject’s glass is now empty. Subject places laptop on coffee table in center of seating area and leaves to kitchen area. 8 lines are visible on screen.
20:06 – Subject returns to laptop with glass in hand. Bends over to tap keyboard before leaving to stand next to front window. “Facebook” is visible on screen.
20:22 – Subject has now spent 16 minutes staring out window and glass is now empty. Subject leaves to kitchen area and returns with opened bottle of red wine. Fills glass, sits and replaces laptop on lap.
20:25 – Subject reads page aloud several times.
20:26 – Subject deletes several lines of text.
20:34 – Subject has now been staring at screen for 8 minutes and glass is now empty. Refills glass.
20:36 – Subject removes laptop to coffee table and leaves to kitchen area. Media player is now visible on screen.
20:39 – Subject returns with ham slices and lies on same couch. Program is now playing.
22:56 – Subject officially* concludes no more work will be done.
*Note: “officially” refers to the subject’s own verbal confirmation of the obvious.
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Cleaning Tips for New Roomates
- it is possible to keep everyone from knowing your on the rag if you actually wipe the blood off the toilet seats
-you can avoid weeks of disgust by simply mopping the dog piss off the floor
-the fantastic colour of the marble floor really comes out if you ash cigarettes and joints not around the tray, but in it.
-if a rough schedule for taking out the garbage is hard to hammer out with the roommates, an excellent timing indicator is the rotting juice that eventually forms around the bottom of the garbage bag
-a good way to show your appreciation for a job well done is to avoid walking over a freshly mopped floor in sand caked shoes
-carrying that bucket of your overcooked, three week leftovers all the way to the door does not actually mean that it’s been taken care of
- while the effort to cook and actually make use of our minimal kitchen is appreciated, it would be better were you to actually eat what was cooked, as opposed to letting in biodegrade in a pot for a week
- you’ll feel much better the morning after if you actually empty the garbage bin you used to throw up in
- sweeping every four or five days is not actually considered “excessive” in most households.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Travelling Tips
Departure: Row 24 Seat D – Even though the people crawling outside look cold, it is pertinent to refrain yourself from suggesting that the flight attendant let them in and to remember that not everyone is taking the same sort of trip you are.
Stop 1: Calgary – Once the ugly lights come on, the loud banging noises you hear are no longer music and it is no longer an appropriate time to dance on the speakers.
Stop 2: Mississauga – Agreeing to see your 60 year-old aunt’s new dance moves means that you will actually be subjected to impromptu dance lessons and to reassurances that you’re a “natural” even if you’ve already stepped on her feet twice and only ever get the first step of the Cha-Cha right.
Stop 3: Amsterdam – Spending most of the day smoking up to recover from a hangover is in no way advantageous when a tour bus full of Slavs thinks it would be funny to take impromptu pictures with you at the ferry docks.
Stop 4: Prague – Spending $30 on beer is equivalent to paying to wander the streets alone and lost at about 4.30 in the morning on the way home from the pub two doors down. And then having to call your grandma to let you in when you realize you’re not physically capable of fitting a key in the lock.
Stop 5: Vienna – Being able to say “I can speak [language]” does not actually mean you will understand a word of it when someone questions you, gives you directions or asks how you’re doing in four different ones within ten minutes.
Stop 6: Neuch̢tel РFireman carrying the biggest guy you can find around the club does not, contrary popular belief, completely eliminate your chances of getting laid.
Stop 7: Lausanne – Teenaged exchange students still find incredibly creative ways to drink themselves into a stupor, and even more creative ways to stash it.
Stop 8: Montpellier – People inconsiderate enough to commit suicide on train tracks cause not only massive complications for railway customer service representatives, but massive – occasionally overnight – delays for anyone traveling those tracks.
Thursday, 23 April 2009
Sleeping Naked
Reasons Not to Sleep Naked
1. Bugs may crawl up your cootch.
2. Fire has an extra 56 seconds to engulf you, effectively ending any further sleeping opportunities.
3. Your roommates likely do not appreciate your ass as much as your Puerto Rican co-worker.
4. Sleepovers could get awkward.
5. In the case of alien abductions, successful anal probing would be much too easy.
1. Bugs may crawl up your cootch.
2. Fire has an extra 56 seconds to engulf you, effectively ending any further sleeping opportunities.
3. Your roommates likely do not appreciate your ass as much as your Puerto Rican co-worker.
4. Sleepovers could get awkward.
5. In the case of alien abductions, successful anal probing would be much too easy.
6. Getting dressed with a full bladder in the dark can result in some highly unfortunate accidents.
Reasons to Sleep Naked
1. You are ready for sex at all times.
Reasons to Sleep Naked
1. You are ready for sex at all times.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Goals
1. To have time enough to go through my day without having to schedule in fifteen minutes to take a dump. Although, adding another three hours to the clock would likely work.
2. To find an attractive man willing and able to do me properly, three or four times a day. Engaging personality and remote intelligence optional.
3. To conquer near every language known to man (five languages is hardly enough) exempting the made up ones, like Klingon or Chinese.
4. To fit rugby “enhanced” thighs into the jeans I wore last summer.
5. To have a housemaid willing to follow me around with a dustpan and excavate my bed from under my piles of clothes occasionally. A dishwasher would be nice too.
6. To be able to afford my own alcoholism and provide for that of my friends.
7. To purchase and wear shoes like normal women; although, I think that might require surgery to reduce not only my unfortunately elephantine feet but six-foot stature.
8. To make a living spending the most part of my day discussing myself (literally or otherwise) constantly. Hell, I’d settle for mild fame.
9. To achieve #8 by writing more interesting things than fucking lists.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Ten Ways to Pretend to be Victorian
1. Drink coffee. Constantly. How strung out you are is of no consequence, nor is the fact that you need haven’t slept in two and half days; you will easily be recognized as an outsider if you are not currently drinking coffee, just had a coffee, or intend to go for a coffee within the next half hour. Keep in mind that once you do have a cup in hand, complain to anyone within earshot that your tiny, local coffee shop makes much better coffee.
2. Pretend you recycle whether you do or not. Otherwise, 97% of Victoria’s population will instantaneously look down on you and likely shun you; and should you dare to throw away a pop can when the next recycling bin is a mere three blocks away, expect to find yourself facing the glares of many a dreadlock-framed face.
3. When visiting the UVic campus do not fuss over the bunnies. Every native Victorian has tripped over so many bloody bunnies that they generally fantasize about integrating them into kicking practice. Keep in mind, however, that baby bunnies are the exception to the rule as even the most hardened local will succumb to their charm to coo and pat them.
4. While there are many components to truly blending in with local Victorians, it is commonly accepted that no one will ever know the street names of most of the island city’s roadways. It is more than enough to know the two street names outside of your hotel; should you manage to learn a third you will be able to fool anyone into believing how local you are.
5. Smoke pot.
6. Should you enter into conversation with a local, be sure to refer to the rest of Canada as “the Mainland,” while referring to their own island as “the Island.” Due to the elevated cost of living, Victorians have come to believe there exists a critical divide between their lifestyle and those who don’t live on the Island, and reserve the right to mention it when presented with the opportunity.
7. No matter how cool, how fascinating, or how frightening you may find the monster ferries that transport most of the Island’s population, be sure to act calm and/or bored when faced with a trip on board. Many Victorians ferry to the Mainland once or twice a week, and therefore have long since gotten over any sense of wonderment they may have felt. Becoming seasick in storms is almost unforgivable and will instantly mark you as a tourist.
8. The downtown area is a haven for the homeless and the housed have long since accepted not only their presence, but the likelyhood that they will run into the same homeless man or woman on a regular basis. If you intend to be in the city for longer than two weeks, it’s pertinent that you befriend at least one hobo to greet on a regular basis, or the homeless themselves will know you are not local.
9. To truly pretend to be Victorian, be sure to have something you bought from a second-hand store. If you cannot appreciate the benefits for the environment, child workers in Malaysia, and the Island’s very own homeless, at least wear a ratty old article and pretend you bought it for five dollars or so at a thrift store.
10. Complaining about the cold is not only common practice but a favourite activity of the local population, despite the temperate climate and near-permanence of above-zero weather. Should you ever be forced to wear a jacket with your sandals, be sure to mention the “relative cold” of living so near to the ocean and speak wistfully about the arctic conditions of your hometown; there, at least it’s a “dry cold.”
2. Pretend you recycle whether you do or not. Otherwise, 97% of Victoria’s population will instantaneously look down on you and likely shun you; and should you dare to throw away a pop can when the next recycling bin is a mere three blocks away, expect to find yourself facing the glares of many a dreadlock-framed face.
3. When visiting the UVic campus do not fuss over the bunnies. Every native Victorian has tripped over so many bloody bunnies that they generally fantasize about integrating them into kicking practice. Keep in mind, however, that baby bunnies are the exception to the rule as even the most hardened local will succumb to their charm to coo and pat them.
4. While there are many components to truly blending in with local Victorians, it is commonly accepted that no one will ever know the street names of most of the island city’s roadways. It is more than enough to know the two street names outside of your hotel; should you manage to learn a third you will be able to fool anyone into believing how local you are.
5. Smoke pot.
6. Should you enter into conversation with a local, be sure to refer to the rest of Canada as “the Mainland,” while referring to their own island as “the Island.” Due to the elevated cost of living, Victorians have come to believe there exists a critical divide between their lifestyle and those who don’t live on the Island, and reserve the right to mention it when presented with the opportunity.
7. No matter how cool, how fascinating, or how frightening you may find the monster ferries that transport most of the Island’s population, be sure to act calm and/or bored when faced with a trip on board. Many Victorians ferry to the Mainland once or twice a week, and therefore have long since gotten over any sense of wonderment they may have felt. Becoming seasick in storms is almost unforgivable and will instantly mark you as a tourist.
8. The downtown area is a haven for the homeless and the housed have long since accepted not only their presence, but the likelyhood that they will run into the same homeless man or woman on a regular basis. If you intend to be in the city for longer than two weeks, it’s pertinent that you befriend at least one hobo to greet on a regular basis, or the homeless themselves will know you are not local.
9. To truly pretend to be Victorian, be sure to have something you bought from a second-hand store. If you cannot appreciate the benefits for the environment, child workers in Malaysia, and the Island’s very own homeless, at least wear a ratty old article and pretend you bought it for five dollars or so at a thrift store.
10. Complaining about the cold is not only common practice but a favourite activity of the local population, despite the temperate climate and near-permanence of above-zero weather. Should you ever be forced to wear a jacket with your sandals, be sure to mention the “relative cold” of living so near to the ocean and speak wistfully about the arctic conditions of your hometown; there, at least it’s a “dry cold.”
Sunday, 9 November 2008
Encounters With a Writer
How to Calm and Keep Them
Despite the natural abundance of writing persons and general journalists around university campuses and coffee shops everywhere, a legitimate creative writer is often very hard to spot. The creative writer is exceedingly prone to both timidity and sensitivity, thus is easily startled and often bolts upon approach, leaving before any lines of communications are opened or bonds developed. Should you manage to locate a writer and wish to initiate a conversation, or even friendship, try to keep the following things in mind:
1. Should you unexpectedly enter into conversation with someone who you discover to be a creative writer, make sure to respond immediately (as any moments of bewildered silence can cause nervousness), developing a sense of familiarity by relaying some personal connection to the fine arts. While saying that you once read a book may not be quite specific enough, explaining your high school struggle as an aspiring breakdancer should do the trick.
2. Once you have identified the writer, it is imperative that you avoid asking how, exactly, he or she intends to succeed. The creative writer is highly sensitive in regards to this area, and simply stating the question can often remind them that their chances of a legitimate career are dubious at most.
3. Be sure to take a marginal interest in the writer’s work, engaging their ego enough to make them feel satisfactorily artsy, while avoiding over questioning the actual writing involved. The writer needs to be assured of their creative intrigue and mystique, so while asking where he or she will be cashing the cheques is encouraged, it is best to avoid enquiring as to the specific story lines or projects he or she is working on. They are very vague in nature and trying to get a valid explanation from them will only result in grumbling, tangled sentences, and muttered allusions to “no one understanding art”.
Despite the natural abundance of writing persons and general journalists around university campuses and coffee shops everywhere, a legitimate creative writer is often very hard to spot. The creative writer is exceedingly prone to both timidity and sensitivity, thus is easily startled and often bolts upon approach, leaving before any lines of communications are opened or bonds developed. Should you manage to locate a writer and wish to initiate a conversation, or even friendship, try to keep the following things in mind:
1. Should you unexpectedly enter into conversation with someone who you discover to be a creative writer, make sure to respond immediately (as any moments of bewildered silence can cause nervousness), developing a sense of familiarity by relaying some personal connection to the fine arts. While saying that you once read a book may not be quite specific enough, explaining your high school struggle as an aspiring breakdancer should do the trick.
2. Once you have identified the writer, it is imperative that you avoid asking how, exactly, he or she intends to succeed. The creative writer is highly sensitive in regards to this area, and simply stating the question can often remind them that their chances of a legitimate career are dubious at most.
3. Be sure to take a marginal interest in the writer’s work, engaging their ego enough to make them feel satisfactorily artsy, while avoiding over questioning the actual writing involved. The writer needs to be assured of their creative intrigue and mystique, so while asking where he or she will be cashing the cheques is encouraged, it is best to avoid enquiring as to the specific story lines or projects he or she is working on. They are very vague in nature and trying to get a valid explanation from them will only result in grumbling, tangled sentences, and muttered allusions to “no one understanding art”.
Armed with the above tips, your encounter should go smoothly, allowing you the full enchantment of a creative writer’s artistic ego, despite their natural skittishness. Remember, be appreciative and you may find yourself the confidant of many more authorial frustrations and insights than you could have imagined.
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
How to Get Rid of Writer's Block
And Other Such Useful Things for Useless Careers
- It is, in all actuality, exponentially more constructive to the creative brain to continuously envision the final goal as an acclaimed writer (the type of desired praise is entirely up to you) than it is to indulge academics and “professionals” by repeating mundane writing exercises.
- When vacationing in exotic countries, be sure to avoid telling locals how uninspiring their scenery, culture and language truly is; instead, try focusing on original ways to critically dissect everyday objects and rituals, such as changing your underwear or the Q-tip you have failed to discard over the last month.
- Although it may be true that one of the best creative wells for authors can come from what you know, oft times the subject matter at hand can become highly emotional and too unprecedented to be comfortable; this is best ignored in favour of writing about what we know as a collective of human beings- the colour of love when in proximity to roses, for example.
- While spending time in polite company, the moment something remotely interesting and/or obscene is said (pay attention primarily to your own words as they are liable to be the most inventive), jump up, scream “Ah-ha!” and begin scrambling for a writing tool and surface, preferably while dropping your cigarette in someone’s lap to accentuate the drama. The opposite is true while in the presence of impolite company; here, it is recommended that the use of large words such as “exceptional ingenuity” and “incomparable pretentiousness” are frequent, particularly when in reference to your own work, so as to evoke varying theatrical responses.
- It is, in all actuality, exponentially more constructive to the creative brain to continuously envision the final goal as an acclaimed writer (the type of desired praise is entirely up to you) than it is to indulge academics and “professionals” by repeating mundane writing exercises.
- When vacationing in exotic countries, be sure to avoid telling locals how uninspiring their scenery, culture and language truly is; instead, try focusing on original ways to critically dissect everyday objects and rituals, such as changing your underwear or the Q-tip you have failed to discard over the last month.
- While attempting to write in public locations (such as the favourite coffee shop or park bench) and finding yourself stuck in an especially frustrating block, a solid method of forming unique ideas, and particularly inventive dialogue, is to leap to your feet and throw your books at passing strangers, cursing in all of your favourite languages.
- Although it may be true that one of the best creative wells for authors can come from what you know, oft times the subject matter at hand can become highly emotional and too unprecedented to be comfortable; this is best ignored in favour of writing about what we know as a collective of human beings- the colour of love when in proximity to roses, for example.
- If you find yourself to be completely lost for both words and motivation, you can always exchange your beret for blue hair dye and take Modern Art to the next level; begin writing pieces entitled Twenty One Questions with the sole sentence being “Okay, go.”
- After having seized upon a new idea only to discover that a substantial amount of research and leg work is required, the recommended course of action is to relinquish the material to journalists and rather to try for an essay based principally on your own insightful musings.
- When speaking with those who are more talented than you (and who are, coincidentally, better “acquainted” with critics and professors alike), be sure to apologize profusely after having accidentally spilt your coffee down their shirt while trading your respective notebooks of ideas. The latter is also an excellent source for future brainstorming sessions.
- Upon achieving your desired level of fame and/or infamy, be sure to establish and maintain an air of pompousness, to gaze thoughtfully into the distance for all portraits and, above all, to regularly interrupt conversations by mentioning stories or articles that you have written about the subject at hand.
Friday, 18 July 2008
30 Some-Odd Reasons to Drink
As a burgeoning Drunk, and one that is safely proud of it, I am often afflicted by the questioning looks and disapproving noises of those who cannot seem to grasp the concept of why one would consume alcohol. It is these very people, however, who have inspired the creation of a comprehensive study behind the reasons as to why those of us who do enjoy drinking drink. The following research was compiled with the aid of several friends one evening, who had agreed to keep me company while I took on the task of creating the report. While the original point of the study may have been to mark a new idea with each drink downed, for the sake of scientific accuracy, I will admit that the aforementioned format was not followed and that, rather, whatever came to mind followed to paper (otherwise known as “Word”).
Notice first the coherent sentences which, although they may offer an unfortunate peek into the insightful nature of our conversations, are at least spelt correctly.
1. Fuck Brain Cells
2. Achieving your grey wings; or chicken wings, whatever floats your boat.
3. Everybody’s down for a little vag. tonight
4. For the darkness!
5. Evenings of debauchery that begin with the Captain and end in the wrong end of town
6. Making friends with the homeless men who hide your alcohol and never getting it back
7. Being that “regular” at most bar’s cheapest nights.
While spelling and coherency are still intact, it is the punctuation of my erratic, repeated and all around unintelligent ideas that is no longer a necessity, but instead, a suggestion.
8. Everybody’s down for a little vag tonight!
9. Discovering the next morning that youre 200$ short of what you thought you had started with
10. Uncovering the fact that being very “uncovered” and sprawled on the floor is actually a lot more entertaining than youre parents had told you it would be
And finally, the very first admission of superiority!
11. Improvement of the awesomeness as the evening evolves
12. Being cheap and/or wishing you were so as to help your wallet somewhat
13. Waking up the next morning in the ER and wondering why youre parents look right pissed at you… in that “wrong life choices” sort of way
14. Enjoying your evening to the nth degree… the degree which means that your brain cells are much less developed than youre collegues
Here, the switch to believing that I am the center of the known universe is completed as, despite having admitted to conceit previously, sentences are no longer written in a contemplative “one” or “you” format but as the royal “we”- generally referring to myself. The very first signs of the slow and painful death of lucidity are also now visible.
15. Wondering if we can still get to the liquor store at two oclock in the morning
16. The consistently failed attempts at counting our number drinks
17. The realization that we have no idea what our limits are as we continue to hit the short (“shorts”/ “shots”; same thing.)
18. Realizing that pants are for suckers!
19. For achieving that classic drunk statement of “I like you guys”
20. Discovering that sexual limitations are truly only guidelines and that, in all honesty, everything goes
21. realizing that as a student, we spend much more money on alcohol than on necessities and that its well worth the expenditure
22. Understanding that work is one of those places where you deal with your hangovers
Not only are spelling and rational now a thing of the past, but any sort of decency as well; especially pertaining to very deep and complex philosophical issues.
23. Discovering that we h=are awesome!
24. Understaiding that sex s one of those things that comes with the title of being a “drunk”
25. Realizing, that as a creative writer, I have liscence to misspell EVERYTHBING
26. Drinking with natives leads to some exam FAILURE
27. Literally capturing an evening in a description of what happens when one sets out to describe an evening of drnkeness
28. Never mind trying to understand how retarded [people see the world, we know
29. Realizing that youre not quite an alcoholic, but rather a drunk, vas they are two truly spereate states of being (clearly, my attempt at vaguely intellectual vocabulary is a failure)
30. Coming to theconclusion that every and all activities are much, much more entertaining when a large amount of alcohol is involved
31. You aspire to reducing your station in life
32. cheers to fucking anything\
33. so long as somebody is retarded about me being ridiculous, than I am having fun
34. being drun k means you wale up and don’t understand a thing about the logistical discussions you had the night before
35. discoerving that your parents afre Pying more than thy dhsould for your eduion nd ger ersl drunkening
36. e
The above was not only an exposé of the very best reasons to drink, but an exercise in self-restraint; allowing so many glaring faults and short comings to remain in written material (particularly in that penned by yours truly) was quite trying. However, for the sake of science and the distribution of important research, I have stepped up and fulfilled my obligations to my peers. Cheers.
Notice first the coherent sentences which, although they may offer an unfortunate peek into the insightful nature of our conversations, are at least spelt correctly.
1. Fuck Brain Cells
2. Achieving your grey wings; or chicken wings, whatever floats your boat.
3. Everybody’s down for a little vag. tonight
4. For the darkness!
5. Evenings of debauchery that begin with the Captain and end in the wrong end of town
6. Making friends with the homeless men who hide your alcohol and never getting it back
7. Being that “regular” at most bar’s cheapest nights.
While spelling and coherency are still intact, it is the punctuation of my erratic, repeated and all around unintelligent ideas that is no longer a necessity, but instead, a suggestion.
8. Everybody’s down for a little vag tonight!
9. Discovering the next morning that youre 200$ short of what you thought you had started with
10. Uncovering the fact that being very “uncovered” and sprawled on the floor is actually a lot more entertaining than youre parents had told you it would be
And finally, the very first admission of superiority!
11. Improvement of the awesomeness as the evening evolves
12. Being cheap and/or wishing you were so as to help your wallet somewhat
13. Waking up the next morning in the ER and wondering why youre parents look right pissed at you… in that “wrong life choices” sort of way
14. Enjoying your evening to the nth degree… the degree which means that your brain cells are much less developed than youre collegues
Here, the switch to believing that I am the center of the known universe is completed as, despite having admitted to conceit previously, sentences are no longer written in a contemplative “one” or “you” format but as the royal “we”- generally referring to myself. The very first signs of the slow and painful death of lucidity are also now visible.
15. Wondering if we can still get to the liquor store at two oclock in the morning
16. The consistently failed attempts at counting our number drinks
17. The realization that we have no idea what our limits are as we continue to hit the short (“shorts”/ “shots”; same thing.)
18. Realizing that pants are for suckers!
19. For achieving that classic drunk statement of “I like you guys”
20. Discovering that sexual limitations are truly only guidelines and that, in all honesty, everything goes
21. realizing that as a student, we spend much more money on alcohol than on necessities and that its well worth the expenditure
22. Understanding that work is one of those places where you deal with your hangovers
Not only are spelling and rational now a thing of the past, but any sort of decency as well; especially pertaining to very deep and complex philosophical issues.
23. Discovering that we h=are awesome!
24. Understaiding that sex s one of those things that comes with the title of being a “drunk”
25. Realizing, that as a creative writer, I have liscence to misspell EVERYTHBING
26. Drinking with natives leads to some exam FAILURE
27. Literally capturing an evening in a description of what happens when one sets out to describe an evening of drnkeness
28. Never mind trying to understand how retarded [people see the world, we know
29. Realizing that youre not quite an alcoholic, but rather a drunk, vas they are two truly spereate states of being (clearly, my attempt at vaguely intellectual vocabulary is a failure)
30. Coming to theconclusion that every and all activities are much, much more entertaining when a large amount of alcohol is involved
31. You aspire to reducing your station in life
32. cheers to fucking anything\
33. so long as somebody is retarded about me being ridiculous, than I am having fun
34. being drun k means you wale up and don’t understand a thing about the logistical discussions you had the night before
35. discoerving that your parents afre Pying more than thy dhsould for your eduion nd ger ersl drunkening
36. e
The above was not only an exposé of the very best reasons to drink, but an exercise in self-restraint; allowing so many glaring faults and short comings to remain in written material (particularly in that penned by yours truly) was quite trying. However, for the sake of science and the distribution of important research, I have stepped up and fulfilled my obligations to my peers. Cheers.
Monday, 28 April 2008
Cheers to the Nostalgia
As the year has come to close, it’s pertinent that we bid a proper farewell to EC and the memories; cheers to the nostalgia! (NOTE: This must be done with either a drink or joint in hand- preferably both)
Cheers to Wild Weekends, Wasted Wednesdays, Thunder Thursdays, Fucked-Up Fridays and the other nights of the week that we have all celebrated but won’t tell respectable people about.
To the hundreds of ounces smoked out of nearly every window of the building, to the hot boxing of our rooms and to the RA’s who have both recognized that Mary Jane is pretty tight friends with a fair number of us and those that still don’t know what it smells like.
To five hours of uninterrupted Shisha in the common room and a year’s worth of spontaneous sessions around campus.
Cheers to the only bunny in living memory to have more friends in EC than men donning fishnet. (Who’d have thunk?)
To the exotic Raphael, who successfully snuck into, and stayed in, the building to wish a rather bouncy Happy Birthday from his waxed and muscular bottom to the tip of his naked self.
Cheers to the numerous and creatively broken doors; from backwards handles to general jams, from flyaway punches to the battery of permanent markers that have made exiting and entering our home all that much more adventurous.
To the four-hundred-thirty-seven invented facts submitted by the four, five or six EC students stupid enough to register for Rosa Harris-Adler’s class.
Cheers to our honorary building mates, who have successfully confused the fuck out of a sizable percentage of those of us who actually live there.
To Dormcest and the inability of the campus male-female ratio to inhibit driving teenage hormones; what would the year have been like without knowing you shouldn’t shower in the right-hand stall or lay on the second floor common room’s carpet?
To the poor purple birthday cake that ended up ground into the carpet, but eaten despite the fact.
Cheers to burning toast and the subsequent four fire alarms that served to keep us on our toes; aside, of course, from those who were still too saturated from the night before to get out of bed.
To the hygienic capabilities of a concentration of university students that not only failed to keep us smelling sweet, but concluded in the circulation of coughs, snivels, mono and (last, but most definitely not least) lice.
To dancing on washing machines and raving with the driers.
Cheers to the constant nudity, parties lacking pants and, of course, Tit-Shock-Therapy on the third floor.
Take ‘er EC for the summer!
Cheers to Wild Weekends, Wasted Wednesdays, Thunder Thursdays, Fucked-Up Fridays and the other nights of the week that we have all celebrated but won’t tell respectable people about.
To the hundreds of ounces smoked out of nearly every window of the building, to the hot boxing of our rooms and to the RA’s who have both recognized that Mary Jane is pretty tight friends with a fair number of us and those that still don’t know what it smells like.
To five hours of uninterrupted Shisha in the common room and a year’s worth of spontaneous sessions around campus.
Cheers to the only bunny in living memory to have more friends in EC than men donning fishnet. (Who’d have thunk?)
To the exotic Raphael, who successfully snuck into, and stayed in, the building to wish a rather bouncy Happy Birthday from his waxed and muscular bottom to the tip of his naked self.
Cheers to the numerous and creatively broken doors; from backwards handles to general jams, from flyaway punches to the battery of permanent markers that have made exiting and entering our home all that much more adventurous.
To the four-hundred-thirty-seven invented facts submitted by the four, five or six EC students stupid enough to register for Rosa Harris-Adler’s class.
Cheers to our honorary building mates, who have successfully confused the fuck out of a sizable percentage of those of us who actually live there.
To Dormcest and the inability of the campus male-female ratio to inhibit driving teenage hormones; what would the year have been like without knowing you shouldn’t shower in the right-hand stall or lay on the second floor common room’s carpet?
To the poor purple birthday cake that ended up ground into the carpet, but eaten despite the fact.
Cheers to burning toast and the subsequent four fire alarms that served to keep us on our toes; aside, of course, from those who were still too saturated from the night before to get out of bed.
To the hygienic capabilities of a concentration of university students that not only failed to keep us smelling sweet, but concluded in the circulation of coughs, snivels, mono and (last, but most definitely not least) lice.
To dancing on washing machines and raving with the driers.
Cheers to the constant nudity, parties lacking pants and, of course, Tit-Shock-Therapy on the third floor.
Take ‘er EC for the summer!
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
The Don'ts of Doing Me
Time and experience have taught me several lessons on what I will and will not accept… mostly on what I won’t. The oddities that men seem to think are sexy and the various things that they will bring up in the midst of a romp session are sometimes so damned amusing, that I have decided to document them.
1. Don’t ask me to say, scream, or moan your name as, chances are, I have no idea what it is and I generally don’t want you to feel too terribly about yourself if I am not quite done yet.
2. Don’t deny me the opportunity to take a shower with you. What are you; gay?
3. Don’t swing yourself in front of my face whilst wishing me “Merry Christmas.” I thoroughly chew the meat I find in my gifts.
4. Don’t call me up to help you heal your friend’s bleeding and broken heart with sex. As much of an experience and story as it may make in the future; the delicate way in which you drag me by the belt loops towards the big bed in the middle of the room with him watching is not the way to get my blood pumping.
5. Don’t threaten me with handcuffs if you do not plan on delivering. There is a reason that I am around you at all and without the handcuffs, that reason is very hard to remember.
1. Don’t ask me to say, scream, or moan your name as, chances are, I have no idea what it is and I generally don’t want you to feel too terribly about yourself if I am not quite done yet.
2. Don’t deny me the opportunity to take a shower with you. What are you; gay?
3. Don’t swing yourself in front of my face whilst wishing me “Merry Christmas.” I thoroughly chew the meat I find in my gifts.
4. Don’t call me up to help you heal your friend’s bleeding and broken heart with sex. As much of an experience and story as it may make in the future; the delicate way in which you drag me by the belt loops towards the big bed in the middle of the room with him watching is not the way to get my blood pumping.
5. Don’t threaten me with handcuffs if you do not plan on delivering. There is a reason that I am around you at all and without the handcuffs, that reason is very hard to remember.
6. Don’t insist that I compensate for your inability to keep a condom full. Get used to it or go home; I like to sleep with dirty men but that does not make me willing to ditch my clean record.
7. Don’t ask to keep my panties. Not only is that weird and brings to mind the Swim-Fan type, but I paid for those panties and I damn well intend on impressing more than just you with them.
8. Don’t try to lay me on your parents’ bed. That is the bed where they most likely conceived you and/or recreate the events of your conception regularly. I want nothing to do with your parents anyway, so don’t find a way to somehow include me in their sex lives.
9. Don’t dry hump me like you would your favourite space between the pillows; I have a dog and he can do that just as well as you can.
10. Don’t ask me to go out while I am straddling you. And please don’t correct my belief that you want to go outside to finish up in January. I would rather think your mind is on the sex than on possibly seeing me outside of the bedroom.
11. Don’t tell me that I look just like your girlfriend during our threesome. The reason I was invited to join in is because I am obviously hotter than she is.
12. Don’t blame me if your grandmother sees the scratches on your back; it means that you were at least doing something right.
13. Don’t tell me about the seven year old daughter you found out you had three months earlier. While her pictures might be endearing and the story may be quite cute, I do not plan on engaging in reproductive behaviours with someone who has already proven to be unexpectedly fertile.
14. Don’t make it a competition. I will win.
15. Don’t comment on the bruises left behind by the last guy; you know damned well that I just heard your phone call to one of your other call girls.
16. Don’t sweep me off the sidewalk for an aggressive kiss and then tell me not expect it of you in the future. That is like opening the door of the chocolate factory to Charlie, slamming it in his face and later anticipating a return visit.
17. Don’t ask me if the sex means anything to me. This is generally a good rule of thumb, but, for your sake, specifically refrain from asking me this after having met the day before.
18. Don’t hope to get anything out of me after telling me I belong to you. Don’t hope to get away alive, either.
19. Don’t bite my arm. Biting may be sexy, but the arm is generally not one of the erotic female zones and the fist sized bruise you leave behind evokes more sympathetic looks than my ego can handle.
21. Don’t try to hold my hand after sex. Unless I like you (and I probably do not) or plan on laying you again within the next five minutes, I do not want to be touched or cuddled by you.
22. Don’t invite your roommate into the room for a toke while I am still naked under your sheets.
23. Don’t cover my neck in so many hickeys that I look like I have a severe case of melanoma. I am not one of those women who enjoy wearing scarves inside.
24. Don’t hang yourself out the front of your jeans at the beach as the shock the tour group of septuagenarians may experience could only lead to several fatal heart attacks. You would not want that on your conscience, would you?
None of these "Dont's" are fictitious; I do fully intend to make fun of every man I’ve ever slept with... they deserve it, after all.
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
Holiday Lessons
A list of the lessons learned by one Miss Tanysia over two weeks of Christmas vacation;
1. Sleep is for suckers.
2. Chaw should not be left tucked into your drunken lip during a twenty minute car ride, especially without a spittoon and after having told the driver that you had spit it out already.
3. One of the better ways to measure beer is in yards.
4. 3 o’clock in the morning is the best time for a full-fledged, bacon and cheese-eggs sort of breakfast.
5. The many layers your ass is covered in during skiing tend to become a hassle after eight cups of coffee and two glasses of beer.
6. Christmas shopping is best done the day before, with all the malls closing in half an hour and no idea what to get for the four relatives that have blessed you with their presence this year.
7. Finding that you are in your sweat pants and not your pyjamas Christmas morning and wondering how you even ended up in bed is the inevitable result of seven bottles of wine and your father’s insistence that you simply must try his cognac.
8. There is a limit to how much food you can consume in one sitting... that limit, however, has yet to be found.
9. You really do get more attention when you are dressed in only half a shirt.
10. Eating strangers’ pizza is perfectly acceptable when stumbling around outside the bar and calling for taxis at two o’clock in the morning.
11. While common belief states that following three men home alone will ultimately lead to death, experience states that you will only be subjected to two hours of them prancing around in Hot Gossip clothing… although seeing that much concentrated metrosexuality could kill you.
12. Male strippers are unfortunately small in the pants; even when your extreme sexiness has them standing at full attention.
13. Your parents will not take you skiing when you called them at five o’clock that morning to let you in the house.
14. Mature individuals hate when vast quantities of liquor are consumed on the train.
1. Sleep is for suckers.
2. Chaw should not be left tucked into your drunken lip during a twenty minute car ride, especially without a spittoon and after having told the driver that you had spit it out already.
3. One of the better ways to measure beer is in yards.
4. 3 o’clock in the morning is the best time for a full-fledged, bacon and cheese-eggs sort of breakfast.
5. The many layers your ass is covered in during skiing tend to become a hassle after eight cups of coffee and two glasses of beer.
6. Christmas shopping is best done the day before, with all the malls closing in half an hour and no idea what to get for the four relatives that have blessed you with their presence this year.
7. Finding that you are in your sweat pants and not your pyjamas Christmas morning and wondering how you even ended up in bed is the inevitable result of seven bottles of wine and your father’s insistence that you simply must try his cognac.
8. There is a limit to how much food you can consume in one sitting... that limit, however, has yet to be found.
9. You really do get more attention when you are dressed in only half a shirt.
10. Eating strangers’ pizza is perfectly acceptable when stumbling around outside the bar and calling for taxis at two o’clock in the morning.
11. While common belief states that following three men home alone will ultimately lead to death, experience states that you will only be subjected to two hours of them prancing around in Hot Gossip clothing… although seeing that much concentrated metrosexuality could kill you.
12. Male strippers are unfortunately small in the pants; even when your extreme sexiness has them standing at full attention.
13. Your parents will not take you skiing when you called them at five o’clock that morning to let you in the house.
14. Mature individuals hate when vast quantities of liquor are consumed on the train.
15. Do not agree to go to a party in Bowness with one of your old friends if you plan on being at home anytime before sunrise.
16. The people who work 24 hour convenience stores never fail to be talking at high speeds on their cell phones, but to whom are they talking to at three o’clock in the morning? The only other people who aren’t sleeping or incoherent: convenience store employees.
17. Remember to apologize profusely if someone who carries a knife thinks you insulted their family (or, better yet, their ability to take care of their family) sometime last spring.
18. The only way to fully appreciate a drug house is to make yourself comfortable on the couches and watch ShowCase grade porn for four hours.
19. The bottle depot is a worse place to be when the alcohol is not sitting well in your blood the next day than a morgue after a two week power outage.
20. Loonies stick to strippers and, oddly enough, their twats too.
21. Upon going to gay dance clubs, the constant disappointment of seeing hot men and then realizing they aren’t interested can get depressing; it is best to go armed and intoxicated.
22. It is advised that if you are going to make fun of people in the gondola, on the slopes, and on the chairlift, you do so with friends around as it does not make you any new ones.
23. When you are at the liquor store and joke with the cashier about the amount you are buying, have someone around later who will ensure that you actually were kidding when you said it was all for you.
24. Next time you have an old friend start jumping, screaming and yelling about how much she misses you- try to remember her name.
25. Hot tubs and New Year’s Eve do not ever go well together.
26. When you are too drunk to smoke, you are too drunk. Period.
27. New Year’s Day is decidedly the worst day in any living memory; the time has come to replace the aforementioned day with another night, designed primarily for sleeping.
28. You look like an idiot when you accidentally die your thumbs the same colour as your hair.
29. The guards at airport security giggle when they find three bottle openers upon searching your purse, almost as if it isn’t something they see very often.
30. The ability to keep yourself entertained by finding patterns in the carpet is no longer a talent to be laughed at; it becomes a necessity when your plane is three hours late.
The University shall now be known for detoxifying one Miss Tanysia. Who would have thought?
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