Nerds and Niches

I’ve had a lot of different stints as a nerd; at least I’ve tried. It may not be obvious, seeing as I lack the standard awkwardness or that I still don’t know how to function a DVD (never mind a VCR), but I can’t deny the internet evidence of old nerdy endeavours. Before discovering the delight of sexual conquests or the joy of bruising bitches, I paraded my way through minor obsessions spending countless hours “hexing” (or, for those who had real pets, squinting at lists of numbers) and breeding my digital Dogz, only to later evolve into a self-proclaimed HTML whiz to share their extensive family trees and the intricate lives of Sims (a natural evolution from my childhood love of Barbies). I even fancied myself an academic for some time, taking Advanced Placement courses and planning my studying time ahead of time, with designs on excellence awards and scholarships throughout grade school. Somehow, I got distracted and went drinking instead.

For years, I wandered from one obsession to the next, unable to find the right fit; it wasn’t until recently that I discovered the niche I’ve been thriving in all along. Waiting on a reflexive pronoun lecture, a classmate and I began discussing the ancient Greek word agape only to end with his story of summer camp and how “there I was, reading a Latin textbook for fun!” I smiled and nodded, indulging a fervent geek with eyebrows raised; what nerdier thing to do than to try to teach yourself a dead language over summer vacation? I, on the other hand, was taking a Latin course for much, much cooler reasons. And of course I would never consider buying a textbook for personal use, after all, it’s tremendously less geeky to get drunk and spend hours asking bemused Kenyans to explain Swahili word order. But then, whilst I revelled in my unquestionable advantage of awesomeness, he started to actively investigate why I was taking university Spanish and I found myself listing languages and countries like that was all I did.

“Oh, you know, my parents sorta speak five or six languages between the two of ‘em and I’m studying, oh, give or take four different languages so that I can travel while writing. I find the connections interesting and-” Suddenly it hit me, cliché of all clichés, I was a linguistically infatuated writer with an intent to travel. Good God; this was my obsession, my awkwardness, the topic with which I can bore a crowd in two minutes flat.

Hadn’t I post scripted my last email with a note on the origins of i.e.? Did I not just spend two hours of my time searching for the proper adjectival form of insulation? Never mind if I thought of myself as better than those who actually attend German Club’s Stammtisch nights; I still sat in classes next to them, did the research with them and dreamt of linguistically conquering all four corners of the globe like them. Needing reassurance, I turned to my closest friends, my family, my coworkers, my acquaintances and the people who happened to sit next to me in coffee shops, bars and on the bus. Here, I would discover that the night they met me, I was convinced I could speak fluent Spanish; there, I was told that they couldn’t care less about the unknown English declensions I had raved about just minutes prior. Apparently, my status as a language nerd had long since been established and might as well have been stamped on my forehead.

“T, you get hammered and speak in anything but English, you’re taking three language courses and already speak two,” said one roommate, pouring me another glass as I lamented the feedback I’d been getting. “What did you expect?”

I certainly hadn’t been expecting to find myself fitting into such a geeky niche so comfortably and so perfectly. I suppose I had come to believe that because I had grown through so many youthful phases that I had become immune to becoming awkwardly obsessed; obviously, I’ve managed regardless. Next time I run into that self-motivated, language learning classmate we will doubtlessly end up discussing how many fascinating connections there are between ancient languages and those alive today, but this time, I will engage in conversation fully aware that I have finally found my kind.

Birthdays and The Like

In complete, thorough, (slightly drunk) and anti-story sphere style, I would like to propose a toast to the glory that is my now Cross-Canada legality.

Cheers, Mothafuckas!

Encounters With a Writer

How to Calm and Keep Them

Despite the natural abundance of writing persons and general journalists around university campuses and coffee shops everywhere, a legitimate creative writer is often very hard to spot. The creative writer is exceedingly prone to both timidity and sensitivity, thus is easily startled and often bolts upon approach, leaving before any lines of communications are opened or bonds developed. Should you manage to locate a writer and wish to initiate a conversation, or even friendship, try to keep the following things in mind:

1. Should you unexpectedly enter into conversation with someone who you discover to be a creative writer, make sure to respond immediately (as any moments of bewildered silence can cause nervousness), developing a sense of familiarity by relaying some personal connection to the fine arts. While saying that you once read a book may not be quite specific enough, explaining your high school struggle as an aspiring breakdancer should do the trick.
2. Once you have identified the writer, it is imperative that you avoid asking how, exactly, he or she intends to succeed. The creative writer is highly sensitive in regards to this area, and simply stating the question can often remind them that their chances of a legitimate career are dubious at most.
3. Be sure to take a marginal interest in the writer’s work, engaging their ego enough to make them feel satisfactorily artsy, while avoiding over questioning the actual writing involved. The writer needs to be assured of their creative intrigue and mystique, so while asking where he or she will be cashing the cheques is encouraged, it is best to avoid enquiring as to the specific story lines or projects he or she is working on. They are very vague in nature and trying to get a valid explanation from them will only result in grumbling, tangled sentences, and muttered allusions to “no one understanding art”.

Armed with the above tips, your encounter should go smoothly, allowing you the full enchantment of a creative writer’s artistic ego, despite their natural skittishness. Remember, be appreciative and you may find yourself the confidant of many more authorial frustrations and insights than you could have imagined.